Home > Fiction > William and Kate Fan-Fiction

William and Kate Fan-Fiction

In all of his 28 years, he was never more nervous than now.

In all of the ups and downs and highs and lows that come with being an heir to the throne, nothing was as nerve-wracking as this one beautiful, tender, shining moment in William’s life. Here he was, about to be married to the girl of his dreams. A shiver ran up his spine as he caught a glimpse of her in her splendid, virginal gown.

Can any human being love someone as much as I love you? he thought. Is it possible?

Nobody noticed the slow rumbling—almost a gurgling—emanating from Kate’s throat. “Braaaaains…” she whispered slowly, seductively.

The Archbishop continued the service. “Secondly, it was ordained in order that the natural instincts—“

Kate leapt forward, grabbing the 60-year-old bishop by the cranium. “BRAAAAAINS!” she screamed before taking a solid bite from the top of his head. Her white dress quickly became soiled with the crimson red of his gushing blood.

“What the fuck?!” someone shouted in the back, momentarily forgetting where they were.

William stood, stunned as Kate continued to munch on the Church of England’s most senior minister. “Kate, the ceremony isn’t over!” was all he managed to spit out. And then, to his side, he heard the cocking of a firearm.

It was Her Royal Highness, readying her trusty semi-automatic. “Stand aside, if you’d be so kind…”

“Grandmama! What are you doing???” cried William before Kate began lumbering toward Her Majesty.

The Queen fired once, hitting Kate in the shoulder. Kate recoiled, before shuffling towards Charles, snapping his neck in a quick, reflexive action.

The Queen fired again, removing Kate’s good side, permanently. Kate hit the ground with an audible thud, one leg twitching. “If there’s one thing we shall not tolerate, it is those horrible zombies!”

By this point, the cathedral was in total chaos. Attendees rushed in a panic, looking for the nearest exit. Elizabeth grabbed William by the arm. “Come, William. We must leave.”

“But Grandmama! Kate…”

“Kate ate the Archbishop, and then she ate lead. You would’ve been next if I hadn’t shot her. Now, come along.”

They moved to the right-hand wall of the Abbey where a crucifix was positioned. The Queen hit the cross once with her fist—it glowed blue instantly. The wall began to shift… slowly.

“A secret passageway!” William exclaimed. “Wait, are we going to Hogwarts?”

“Don’t be dim. I expected you to be smarter than your halfwit of a brother—don’t let me down.” She ducked into the dark passageway, pulling William along with her.

As the doorway shut behind them, the hallway slowly lit up. It was still dank and dark, with stairs leading down, down, down. William tried to process the events he just witnessed. “I… I don’t understand what happened.”

“No, of course you don’t. I’ve had many a protracted argument with your father on this matter. He felt it was better that you not know the truth.”

“The truth?”

“Yes, didn’t want you worrying about human-reptiloid hybrid DNA and such. But, of course, he’s in no position to argue now. So, thanks to Kate’s little eating disorder, you’re going to get a crash-course, I’m afraid. Tell me, William, have you ever had an inkling that you were different somehow? Destined for greatness?”

“We are royalty…”

“Hmmm, yes, well, that’s only half the story.”

They were entering a large underground hall, the light from the stairway receding faster than William’s hairline. The Queen moved into the shadows. “We’re actually more different than you realise.”

A burst of light came forth from the centre of the hall. William shielded his eyes only to then gradually relax.

The source of the light was a spacecraft.  A spacecraft!

“That, my boy, is how we arrived here, all those centuries ago. And this…”

William turned to see the Queen.

“…is how we looked.” Her skin was green and scaly; her eyes like dark slits in golden orbs. She was a reptiloid.

“I… I… I…” William gasped.

“We’ve been running from space zombies ever since they attacked our homeworld of Hambuckingus VI back in 805021. And now it looks like they’ve finally found us again. I always knew there was something wrong with that girl.”

Elizabeth handed William the firearm. “Here, hold this. I’ve got work to do.” She reached into her handbag and grabbed a mobile phone. “Need to call one of the operatives.”

As William held the rifle, he realised his own hands were lizard-like, too. Something about this hall was activating something deep inside of him—he could feel it.

“Hello Camilla! It seems you’ve won our little wager. Kate was a zombie after all, though I still think ‘common slut’ is going a bit too far. Anyway, we’d best begin Phase II.”

They both began walking towards the craft…


(“Zombie outbreak during royal wedding” concept stolen from a tweet by Steven L. Sears.)

  1. April 29, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    I wish to see the infamous guinea pig swallowing scene rebooted with a corgi. Thank you.

    • April 29, 2011 at 5:47 pm

      Excellent idea! In my original concept, the “operative” was going to be one of the corgis, actually…

  2. July 31, 2015 at 10:55 pm

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